The Only New Year’s Resolutions You’ll Ever Need

New Years Confetti

Chances are, at some point in your life, you’ve made a New Year’s resolution. Maybe you kept it, maybe as of mid-January you gave up and figured life was more about being happy than thin. We’re not here to judge.

A new year is a time of new beginnings. It’s a socially contrived chance to fundamentally change something about yourself. After all, as they say on Instagram, #NewYearNewMe. This year, instead of resolving to go the gym more often, write in a journal every day, or not eat those leftover holiday cookies (who are we kidding?), try out one or two or twelve of these easily achievable resolutions guaranteed* to improve your well-being and relationships with other people.

I will not start sentences with the words “no offense, but…”

When I see lane closed signs, I will not drive up the empty lane just to get ahead of everyone else.

I will not post rants on Facebook without first fact-checking my argument.

I will smile genuinely at people as I walk past, not just give them a tight-lipped obligatory grimace.

I will drink enough water every day.

I will not start any sentences containing facts with the words “I think” or “I feel.”

I will pet more dogs.

I will stop and notice the things I do well, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.

I will give compliments freely and honestly.

I will not pretend I can’t hear someone when they say my name just because I don’t want to talk to them.

I will check out materials from my local library more often.

I will not stop walking in the middle of a busy sidewalk, no matter if I’m lost or need to respond to a text or even if I find the perfect light for a selfie.

I will put my phone down when someone starts a conversation with me.

I will accept compliments without brushing them off, contradicting them, or feeling the need to reciprocate.

I will replace the toilet paper roll every time I finish it, and I will put it on the right way.

I will not constantly post my location on social media, conveniently providing a schedule of the best times to rob my house.

I will make it a priority to let someone know if I can’t follow through on an obligation.

I will flush every toilet I use.

I will not make excuses for things I do not know how to do, but instead, I will make an effort to try to learn how to do them.

I will not resort to personal insults when I disagree with an idea.

I will tweet and comment more often about the things I like and appreciate than the things that irritate me.

I will not answer the question “what time is it?” with the words, “time to get a watch.”

I will learn one new thing every day.

I will not go to a modern art museum and say, “my 4-year-old could have painted this,” even if it’s true.

I will support local and small businesses.

I will not wait to do the dishes until the sink is overflowing or I can’t find any more clean bowls and spoons.

I will follow The Lit Nerds on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter in order to have my life enriched every day.

*Guarantee based solely on the fact that a few of the staff think these things will make you happier and less of a jerk. Guarantee not in any sense legally binding, nor does it hold any weight whatsoever, really, except the weight of a few cool people’s opinions.

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